Memoires of a Redeemed Failure: Excerpt chpt 23

The road long and the journey tried, but faint, I dared not grow. Many a weary step taken, but aware of each one. I did not always make the right or even responsible decision. I chose, at times, to act on impulse if for no other reason that to see where it would take me. And it took me quite far actually, unfortunately in the wrong direction, but far nonetheless. I had no regrets there. It was all part of the journey to me. I honored others over myself. Tradition was more important to me than my happiness because I spent so much time away. All these years have passed, yet still it seems as though I lay all fault on myself for going. Still a silly child, I could not have sent myself.

I gained and lost all things imaginable, I was far too young when it began. I was the rock though. I had to be tried in order to endure, in order to be strong enough for the load I was to carry. I was foolish. I distanced myself from the world. Sheltered myself to avoid unnecessary pains. The rock supporting me was an aged one. I felt strongly about not needing to put more on my rock, I needed it to last me. I had no idea. I stripped myself of emotion. They were as a plague. I have been told I still suffer the consequences of that decision today, I concur.

I began to age too soon. Tradition warranted I do things my heart did not want to do. But I dare not disappoint! I did what was required and paid and heavy price. My dignity, so much of my strength. So much of me was lost, beaten and battered beyond recognition. There was no time to mourn for myself, I was yet the rock of a tribe. So God sent me angels to see to my recovery. To hide the bruises, and paint on smiles. To try their hand at making me forget so that I could focus. But I discovered that I needed a different kind of attention, and so I broke away. I left tradition in the hallway when I heard my name called. I took back as much dignity as I could as I stood before the mighty robe. Tears raced to free fall off of my cheeks and I turned my back with that paper in my hand. I felt sick as my arch enemies flooded the barracks. I could not identify them, but they were waiting.

Time passed. I longed for companionship. I wanted to feel connected to something, to someone. I wanted to make something work that in all my years I have not witnessed. Then I met him. There was nothing good about this. If I am honest with myself, just this once, I can admit why I stayed so long. Early on we spoke of his past relationships. He told me that he no longer believed in love. I did not know how one could not believe in love. For me, to not believe in love is to not believe in God, as God is love. Love is why we exist. Love is why we have been forgiven and love is why Jesus gave his life for our sins. Maybe I felt as though I wanted to save him, to be his rock too. I told him then, not matter what it took I would make him believe again.Mission completed, it took all the things I recently regained. I endured humiliation, willingly, among other things. I needed time to figure it all out. My mission was completed and our relationship over. Sacrifices.

I needed God more than ever. I was losing it all. My rock had left me without support and without strength. I asked for nothing. I was empty. Just a front with nothing inside. Time passed and I met you. From thin air. You forced me to deal with things I have hidden away for so long. To identify with emotions. To love myself more than anything, you became my rock, my life and my love. Today, I would be nowhere without you. Today I watch you sleep and tell you how grateful I am for you. I think of the first time you told me you wanted to be my best friend and my man and I thought you were crazy. We have been through hell and high water, but when the sun goes down and I pole-vault into bed, you hold me so tight. Some nights I fight the tears, other nights it is a losing battle. But I thank God for you. You are everything I thought I would never have. And I cherish you, your friendship, your partnership, your companionship and your love. I give all of me to you, forever. I love you.