Hey Dad

This is really old actually. I kinda laughed to myself. My style has changed. This is from the days of being all rhymy. My thoughts dont rhyme anymore..

i am but a sheep in my Fathers great pasture
merely a child in His grand home
surrounded by so many followers
yet why do i feel so alone
i know each step isn't taken in vain

i know i am never alone
so why do i feel as if you leave
when times are so hard for me
do You sit by and watch
is this but a test of my faith
why am I singled from the flock
You tell me that You love me Dad
and in my heart I know its true
but i cant help but feeling, Dad
that i have disgraced You

i need Your hand to touch me Father
as it does each and every day
to single me out of the flock my Lord
talk to me and teach me
in these moments when i pray

A Short Note on the Hard Times

When it rains it pours- then it immediately grows into a tsumani

I prayed open the floodgates of Heaven and the gates of Hell poured out with a raging fury. It is hard to pray. I understand the concept of now faith, it took some time but I get it. Now understand the concept of the human- it is hard to pray. I understand the thinking of the atheist. There is something soothing about control and the fact that if things go wrong it is our fault and if they go right it is our fault. Destiny in our own hands. To know ones next move- to be in control of our tomorrows. But that is not good enough for me. There are many things in this world that are hard to swallow- among those are the things which heal us strengthen us and protect us- cough medicine, chemotherapy, prosthetics, love.

I understand, God, that you are in control and I know that You understand that times get hard. You came in the flesh and lived amidst sin to understand that I would feel these things even on today. But I praise you Lord through my tears and my lack of understanding and my pain. And I'll stand fast in my faith- because You know I see absolutely nothing right now- but it is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. I could not very well have faith in it if I could see it.

Lord, I thank you for the most difficult days in my life- both now and to come- without them I would not know the grace of God.

God is on the other side of the wall

I heard that today. or maybe I read it. my thoughts.

a young girl once came to meeh and said "I wish I could be like you when I grow up."

those words scare the life out of meeh.  For starters, she had no idea who I was. It was only the third or fourth time I had ever seen her. 

not so sure what it is, but there seems to be something about meeh that draws people.  they come to meeh and tell meeh their life stories.  some are interesting, but all in all, id rather not be surrounded by people i think.  i like being the behind the scenes love.  

she looked as though she had been crying for hours.  her tears were endless. i knew those tears. i knew that hurt and i thought it may be best to sit near her.  so that she didnt feel so alone in the world. and i did.

she tried to choke them back, unsuccessfully. i did not turn my head towards her once, but i noticed out of the corner of my eye that she had literally blown through the last of her tissues.  I quietly got up and went into the bus terminal and bought all the travel packs they had.  I walked out and over to her, put the bag in her lap and sat back down.  Headphones in one ear, face forward.  I had already missed my bus, and sent a text to cancel my plans.  Hey, i suppose i didnt really want to go anyway. too many people means an overabundance of dead skin cells... and if you know meeh i dont have to go on.  

there was no exchange of words.  i stayed until she got on her bus, then i went home.

i ran into her again at a Ctown near the bus terminal. i knew it was her and she knew it was meeh.  my spirit was saddened.  she was not crying, just empty.  i have a soft spot - just dont tell anyone.

so i bumped into her.  "im so sorry. let meeh get that for you." 

"Im fine," she said. I replied "God bless you, he is all around." My mission was accomplished.  i left the store.  

this last time, i was waiting for the bus.  she came over to meeh.  apparently she was ready to talk.  she looked so much better this time around.  when i saw her i smiled.  i had been going through my own trials.

"I wish I could be like you when i grow up," she said.  "you said it all without saying a word.  you showed meeh the peace of God."  

I replied.

"im not so sure that the road gets any easier.  but to have God captaining your ship is to have every battle already won."  

she hugged meeh as her bus approached, uttered thank you. and i never saw her again. 

it always amazes meeh the way God uses people.  It seemed as though she needed meeh, but i just may have needed her a bit more.

A long time ago I asked the question "what would you sacrifice for meeh?"  The answer I received was ambiguous at best.  " Whatever I had to, but I dont have to sacrifice anything."  I walked away from that conversation feeling callous and hurt.  But, time went on.  I moved. I left my family, my career and everything else to start over.  It was my sacrifice.  Time went on and I asked the question again.  This time the answer was different, as was the feeling I was left with at the end.  "man, why are you asking meeh that."  I felt like I made the wrong decision.  But all my life, I walk away from things so quickly.  The moment something feels like it is going to take meeh out of my comfort zone I walk away from it, I drop it as soon as I can and I never look back.  I would have no regrets, but is that really any way to live?  So I tarried on and made no mention of how it made meeh feel.  I think I have shut down more than I ever have before in my life.  So careful not to step on toes or hurt feelings and all the while, I am sacrificing ALL of meeh. 

Why do you not see this?  I cannot quite get past it.

So I am revisiting this.  It has been so long, so I thought, since the last time i wrote anything here.  I do not remember what brought meeh to this moment, but I do remember that feeling.  What is worth working at and when does one just let it go.  One day I am going to be able to answer that, and when that moment comes - I will let you know.  Right now I am hurting, dying and have no idea who I am. But in all that, I am certain of one thing alone... and that is WHOSE I am.  

I Surrender

You were all right.

I gave it all that I had in meeh to give, and then borrowed some from the rest of the world.  I forgave enough and hurt too much and now I am weary. I am tired of shedding tears for this false... whatever you can call this thing.  I am reclaiming my independance.  I am choosing this day not to give over even one more tear.  My nights alone will be alone.  Not beside the shell of a lie claiming love it cant give. 

This is my decision.  Much like the one I made every day I stayed. I hand that over to the next one and hope she suffers not the same fate.  I know my worth and you are not meeting it.  Now its time to stop hiding behind my fears of lonliness and give it all up.  

I miss hearing "I love you," and it meaning something.. and it be honest and true.  I miss you, who I gave all my heart and love to.  You are why I cannot breathe.  

I am finished looking past and moving on.  I am finished pretending I didnt see what I saw or read what I read.  If love must hurt so badly I dont want it with you.  I tried to make it worth it, but its not, you are not and I cant keep this up.  

I miss being heard.  I miss being wanted.  I miss being a first and last thought.  I miss being strong.  I miss my dignity. I miss family and REAL friends.  I miss MY life.  I refuse to give more than I already have.  So I guess that is it.

Thanks for the ride.  It was an interesting run.

Hello again, meeh.

remembering

im not sure my thinking behind this.  perhaps i think it will help calm a raging beast or quell the bitterness making its way to the center. but i remember.  it has always been my gift and my curse.  tonight i will discover which guise it will undertake now.  i remember waking up next to a man and thinking wow! this is what it is like to love and be loved, to cherish and be cherished, to become one with another soul.  i cried at the thought that i spent so much of my life without him and then at the thought i would never have to live another day that way.  he used to touch meeh softly, his hand gently tracing the outline of my cheek.  he would trace my lips and i would melt in his eyes.  they captured meeh and i fell in love.  whether i wanted to or not my soul had chosen him, so i thought.  maybe it was meeh, back then it was all possible.  he showed meeh how to cope and it hurt and it relieved meeh all at the same time. he made meeh want to be a better person. just remembering.  he gave meeh faith in things id long lost faith in.  i thought about myself because of him, i made myself important again.  i owed him so much i thought, i believed... he restored meeh to a person i never remembered being.  she was buried so deep within meeh.  he would wake meeh early in the morning and make a passionate love to meeh, one id never experienced, never known.  he would look into my eyes and bore into my soul and burn "i love you" into my first second and last thoughts and all i knew was, heaven, i love that man.  there was a joy to see each other again after a long days work.  i would meet him half way down the street, running into the arms of the man i love, the man who rescued meeh from myself, i had no other choice BUT to love him and to love him with everything that EVER existed in meeh.

All told i am breaking apart.  i have lost faith in areas i thought never possible.  i am losing it all. my mind my love my life and there is nothing i can do to stop it.  and there is a part of me that doesnt even care.  there are no grey areas, its all or nothing.  it is the way it should have always been.  the moment i allowed for there to be grey areas was the moment i lost myself.  i have been abused, taken advantage of the works.  and i let it all happen because of grey areas.  now i am back to the old me and i am finding that it hurts.  it means i can no longer love the one i love.  i cannot look back and see good times as they have all been tainted. what am i supposed to do.  

I always wanted to lose myself in sillie emotions and each time i did what came out of it?  Now I look at myself and there is no one to blame.  What is a sillie person to do?  

I always thought that I was not easily broken, and after all these years I realize that I was only lying to myself.  All he had to do was kiss meeh and I was brought to my knees.  Simply shattered.  I have died again...or perhaps I have never lived.  I still wait for the day when I am born.

Untitled

My all...

If I am honest with myself I can say it was all a lie.
I never wanted to
I never believed I would be better
I never really thought it all through
Only if I am honest with myself.

I cannot sleep at night, the memories are haunting. There is a pain that follows them, that there is something left incomplete. It's meeh. The moment, holds some pleasures. For the briefest moments, I can touch your smile again. I can hear your voice and feel your arms wrapped tightly around meeh. We hold hands and run through the park. Everything that was in the past is made brand new again. I awake with tears in my eyes.

I cannot breathe. I have taken on all things you, and everything that tore meeh away is everything I would give my life for now. Hindsight is blinding. All the things that were supposed to be. All the things that could have been if only. All the things that were begun and never finished. All the things that were never ended.

I cannot love. I am reserved for you alone. A simple shadow in the dusk controlling my every thought, restricting my every movement, constricting my every breath and prohibiting every beat of an empty heart.

You will never hear these words, but they will never mean more than now. I love you because my soul wont allow meeh to let it go. I love you because I have never smiled since you. I love you because there is nowhere I can go to escape. I love you because you are every ounce of meeh. And with every fiber of my despondent being- I will wait for you.