Trust

I was hurt once when I was much younger... maybe too young. I wanted to pretend that it had no effect on me, but I was only lying to myself to get through. My "saving grace," however, was that I was naive and I went on trusting despite past experience. Then I was hurt again, over and over again by people who were supposed to love me and care for me and protect me. And I shut down. No more trusting. No more believing. Spare me your weak apologies as they are insulting. I relied on myself and only myself. Anytime I let my guard down I was hurt again.

And the day came when I fell in love. Life was beautiful. I gave my heart and a part of me I guarded so well for so long... my trust. There were so many obvious signs that I tried so hard to ignore because I did not want to be that naive girl of old. It was sooo hard and it hurt sooo bad because he knew my issues with trust and he knew the hurt I endured. He knew and proceeded anyway. And now I live each day not trusting. He became them. I could not love or look him in the eyes. I was done.

As I was sleeping I felt that man I fell in love with once creeping into bed, and all that is in me grows suspicious. What was he doing? Who was he talking to? But I fell back to sleep. How my imagination does tire me. And His voice came to me in a dream. "How could you?" the voice said. It was Christ speaking to me. I was thinking to myself, "now is SO not a good time!" I tried to wake up. It said "you must have forgotten so let me remind you." I felt like I was in some series-B version of the movie Scrooge!

"When you were a child sitting in church your pastor asked if there was anyone who was ready to accept Me. Is there anyone, he said, whose heart is prepared to walk the path of old. You sat there and you cried. You cried because you remembered all the times you were hurt. Your soul screamed to be healed, your heart begged to be mended. Then your pastor said come now, into the arms of your Father. Confess your sins. Open the darkest parts of you to Him. Let Him begin the healing process. And you, little girl, rose from your place to meet and accept Me. You confessed your sins, those you knew of. You made so many promises. You promised to keep My Word always and to seek My face first always. But child you grew. And some of those promises you broke. What makes you think that did not hurt Me? But I believed in you. You see I promised you, on the day you promised me, that I would NEVER leave you, NOR forsake you. All the while I was keeping my end and you were not. You worried about your friends lying to you and the ones you loved lying to you, but you never seemed to worry that it was Me you were lying to. You stopped seeking Me. You stopped letting me bring you out. Those people hurt you and somehow you believed that only you could save you, that somehow I was no longer real. But when it hurt bad enough you came back and you made more promises. I never shoved you to the side and said sorry liar! Spare Me your weak apologies. Instead, my arms were opened wide. I held you and told you I was waiting for you to return! Despite all the times you have lied to Me and hurt Me, You were STILL MY CHILD."

I woke with tears in my eyes. I said "Lord look at me. Just wrapped in the flesh. Sometimes it is hard to look someone in the eye and be there when you know they are lying to you." A chill went up my spine and all I could hear was the voice of the Lord saying "I know! There is NO THING that you can feel that I have not. But you must learn to forgive, because I have forgiven you OVER and OVER AGAIN. You must let me bring you in and out. You must let Me continue the work I have begun in you. Wait for Me to bless you. Wait for Me to bring people in and out of your life. Wait for Me to tell you when someones season in your life is through. If you need to cry then cry, but WAIT FOR ME. I never went back on my promise. I need you to renew yours to Me."

And as I lie there in the bed, I did. I renewed the words I spoke so long ago. I kissed the forehead of that man I loved and he opened his eyes. He asked if I was alright. I said to him... " I forgive you." He just held me.

God I praise you, You gave your only son for me... that I might live, and that I might live HOLY. He is my perfect example by which I choose to live. I have made mistakes. Said things that would not have come out of Your mouth! I have done things You told me not to. But Lord work on and with me daily. I seek Your face daily. Purge me as only You can. Salvation is by You alone! I seek your face, that I might be saved by your grace and mercy (of which I am undeserving). I am not perfect, but I trust in You. And I know You will teach me the rest.