Michele's meditations

Hey Dad

2009-07-28T22:49:00.002-04:00

This is really old actually. I kinda laughed to myself. My style has changed. This is from the days of being all rhymy. My thoughts dont rhyme anymore..

i am but a sheep in my Fathers great pasture
merely a child in His grand home
surrounded by so many followers
yet why do i feel so alone
i know each step isn't taken in vain

i know i am never alone
so why do i feel as if you leave
when times are so hard for me
do You sit by and watch
is this but a test of my faith
why am I singled from the flock
You tell me that You love me Dad
and in my heart I know its true
but i cant help but feeling, Dad
that i have disgraced You

i need Your hand to touch me Father
as it does each and every day
to single me out of the flock my Lord
talk to me and teach me
in these moments when i pray

A Short Note on the Hard Times

2009-07-27T22:40:00.004-04:00

When it rains it pours- then it immediately grows into a tsumani

I prayed open the floodgates of Heaven and the gates of Hell poured out with a raging fury. It is hard to pray. I understand the concept of now faith, it took some time but I get it. Now understand the concept of the human- it is hard to pray. I understand the thinking of the atheist. There is something soothing about control and the fact that if things go wrong it is our fault and if they go right it is our fault. Destiny in our own hands. To know ones next move- to be in control of our tomorrows. But that is not good enough for me. There are many things in this world that are hard to swallow- among those are the things which heal us strengthen us and protect us- cough medicine, chemotherapy, prosthetics, love.

I understand, God, that you are in control and I know that You understand that times get hard. You came in the flesh and lived amidst sin to understand that I would feel these things even on today. But I praise you Lord through my tears and my lack of understanding and my pain. And I'll stand fast in my faith- because You know I see absolutely nothing right now- but it is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. I could not very well have faith in it if I could see it.

Lord, I thank you for the most difficult days in my life- both now and to come- without them I would not know the grace of God.

God is on the other side of the wall

2009-06-15T17:32:00.002-04:00

I heard that today. or maybe I read it. my thoughts.

a young girl once came to meeh and said "I wish I could be like you when I grow up."

those words scare the life out of meeh. For starters, she had no idea who I was. It was only the third or fourth time I had ever seen her.

not so sure what it is, but there seems to be something about meeh that draws people. they come to meeh and tell meeh their life stories. some are interesting, but all in all, id rather not be surrounded by people i think. i like being the behind the scenes love.

she looked as though she had been crying for hours. her tears were endless. i knew those tears. i knew that hurt and i thought it may be best to sit near her. so that she didnt feel so alone in the world. and i did.

she tried to choke them back, unsuccessfully. i did not turn my head towards her once, but i noticed out of the corner of my eye that she had literally blown through the last of her tissues. I quietly got up and went into the bus terminal and bought all the travel packs they had. I walked out and over to her, put the bag in her lap and sat back down. Headphones in one ear, face forward. I had already missed my bus, and sent a text to cancel my plans. Hey, i suppose i didnt really want to go anyway. too many people means an overabundance of dead skin cells... and if you know meeh i dont have to go on.

there was no exchange of words. i stayed until she got on her bus, then i went home.

i ran into her again at a Ctown near the bus terminal. i knew it was her and she knew it was meeh. my spirit was saddened. she was not crying, just empty. i have a soft spot - just dont tell anyone.

so i bumped into her. "im so sorry. let meeh get that for you."

"Im fine," she said. I replied "God bless you, he is all around." My mission was accomplished. i left the store.

this last time, i was waiting for the bus. she came over to meeh. apparently she was ready to talk. she looked so much better this time around. when i saw her i smiled. i had been going through my own trials.

"I wish I could be like you when i grow up," she said. "you said it all without saying a word. you showed meeh the peace of God."

I replied.

"im not so sure that the road gets any easier. but to have God captaining your ship is to have every battle already won."

she hugged meeh as her bus approached, uttered thank you. and i never saw her again.

it always amazes meeh the way God uses people. It seemed as though she needed meeh, but i just may have needed her a bit more.

2009-05-06T07:03:00.003-04:00

A long time ago I asked the question "what would you sacrifice for meeh?" The answer I received was ambiguous at best. " Whatever I had to, but I dont have to sacrifice anything." I walked away from that conversation feeling callous and hurt. But, time went on. I moved. I left my family, my career and everything else to start over. It was my sacrifice. Time went on and I asked the question again. This time the answer was different, as was the feeling I was left with at the end. "man, why are you asking meeh that." I felt like I made the wrong decision. But all my life, I walk away from things so quickly. The moment something feels like it is going to take meeh out of my comfort zone I walk away from it, I drop it as soon as I can and I never look back. I would have no regrets, but is that really any way to live? So I tarried on and made no mention of how it made meeh feel. I think I have shut down more than I ever have before in my life. So careful not to step on toes or hurt feelings and all the while, I am sacrificing ALL of meeh.

Why do you not see this? I cannot quite get past it.

So I am revisiting this. It has been so long, so I thought, since the last time i wrote anything here. I do not remember what brought meeh to this moment, but I do remember that feeling. What is worth working at and when does one just let it go. One day I am going to be able to answer that, and when that moment comes - I will let you know. Right now I am hurting, dying and have no idea who I am. But in all that, I am certain of one thing alone... and that is WHOSE I am.

I Surrender

2009-03-25T21:35:00.003-04:00

You were all right.

I gave it all that I had in meeh to give, and then borrowed some from the rest of the world. I forgave enough and hurt too much and now I am weary. I am tired of shedding tears for this false... whatever you can call this thing. I am reclaiming my independance. I am choosing this day not to give over even one more tear. My nights alone will be alone. Not beside the shell of a lie claiming love it cant give.

This is my decision. Much like the one I made every day I stayed. I hand that over to the next one and hope she suffers not the same fate. I know my worth and you are not meeting it. Now its time to stop hiding behind my fears of lonliness and give it all up.

I miss hearing "I love you," and it meaning something.. and it be honest and true. I miss you, who I gave all my heart and love to. You are why I cannot breathe.

I am finished looking past and moving on. I am finished pretending I didnt see what I saw or read what I read. If love must hurt so badly I dont want it with you. I tried to make it worth it, but its not, you are not and I cant keep this up.

I miss being heard. I miss being wanted. I miss being a first and last thought. I miss being strong. I miss my dignity. I miss family and REAL friends. I miss MY life. I refuse to give more than I already have. So I guess that is it.

Thanks for the ride. It was an interesting run.

Hello again, meeh.

remembering

2009-01-11T06:59:00.009-05:00

im not sure my thinking behind this. perhaps i think it will help calm a raging beast or quell the bitterness making its way to the center. but i remember. it has always been my gift and my curse. tonight i will discover which guise it will undertake now. i remember waking up next to a man and thinking wow! this is what it is like to love and be loved, to cherish and be cherished, to become one with another soul. i cried at the thought that i spent so much of my life without him and then at the thought i would never have to live another day that way. he used to touch meeh softly, his hand gently tracing the outline of my cheek. he would trace my lips and i would melt in his eyes. they captured meeh and i fell in love. whether i wanted to or not my soul had chosen him, so i thought. maybe it was meeh, back then it was all possible. he showed meeh how to cope and it hurt and it relieved meeh all at the same time. he made meeh want to be a better person. just remembering. he gave meeh faith in things id long lost faith in. i thought about myself because of him, i made myself important again. i owed him so much i thought, i believed... he restored meeh to a person i never remembered being. she was buried so deep within meeh. he would wake meeh early in the morning and make a passionate love to meeh, one id never experienced, never known. he would look into my eyes and bore into my soul and burn "i love you" into my first second and last thoughts and all i knew was, heaven, i love that man. there was a joy to see each other again after a long days work. i would meet him half way down the street, running into the arms of the man i love, the man who rescued meeh from myself, i had no other choice BUT to love him and to love him with everything that EVER existed in meeh.

All told i am breaking apart. i have lost faith in areas i thought never possible. i am losing it all. my mind my love my life and there is nothing i can do to stop it. and there is a part of me that doesnt even care. there are no grey areas, its all or nothing. it is the way it should have always been. the moment i allowed for there to be grey areas was the moment i lost myself. i have been abused, taken advantage of the works. and i let it all happen because of grey areas. now i am back to the old me and i am finding that it hurts. it means i can no longer love the one i love. i cannot look back and see good times as they have all been tainted. what am i supposed to do.

I always wanted to lose myself in sillie emotions and each time i did what came out of it? Now I look at myself and there is no one to blame. What is a sillie person to do?

I always thought that I was not easily broken, and after all these years I realize that I was only lying to myself. All he had to do was kiss meeh and I was brought to my knees. Simply shattered. I have died again...or perhaps I have never lived. I still wait for the day when I am born.

Untitled

2008-10-15T13:06:00.004-04:00

My all...

If I am honest with myself I can say it was all a lie.
I never wanted to
I never believed I would be better
I never really thought it all through
Only if I am honest with myself.

I cannot sleep at night, the memories are haunting. There is a pain that follows them, that there is something left incomplete. It's meeh. The moment, holds some pleasures. For the briefest moments, I can touch your smile again. I can hear your voice and feel your arms wrapped tightly around meeh. We hold hands and run through the park. Everything that was in the past is made brand new again. I awake with tears in my eyes.

I cannot breathe. I have taken on all things you, and everything that tore meeh away is everything I would give my life for now. Hindsight is blinding. All the things that were supposed to be. All the things that could have been if only. All the things that were begun and never finished. All the things that were never ended.

I cannot love. I am reserved for you alone. A simple shadow in the dusk controlling my every thought, restricting my every movement, constricting my every breath and prohibiting every beat of an empty heart.

You will never hear these words, but they will never mean more than now. I love you because my soul wont allow meeh to let it go. I love you because I have never smiled since you. I love you because there is nowhere I can go to escape. I love you because you are every ounce of meeh. And with every fiber of my despondent being- I will wait for you.

Lost in the Translation

2008-08-04T16:07:00.002-04:00

Somehow somewhere i think i lost myself in the translation. forgetting who i was and where i am. i accepted the unacceptable and made mistakes i cannot forgive myself for. when the day comes that i can i will fly freely. back to when i could look in the mirror and smile. back to when i knew who i was and there was no question about it.

its almost as though i ended up on some strange road chasing myself, yes myself... at some point in time i dropped myself off and became this stranger. and every now and then i look back at myself like what are you doing and why... "a who are you and what did you do with my mitch" moment. i cannot believe some of the things that i see. but then i start to see glimpses of myself and i raise my head and with my whole heart i scream out to the world around meeh its meeh, why cant you see it? These are all the things i said i would do and all the thigns i said that i would become and so i cant see why noone can see that this is the real meeh too... once again i am lost in the translation.

if we read between the lines i have not changed, no not one bit. i am still that same old meeh that i always was. there were changes, things i always said that i wanted to do and now i am doing them... some are really sillie and i accept that... i just wanted to know what i would be if i werent so... again im lost in the translation.

im screaming and noone hears because all they know is that i am some kind of bionic hard ass with no feelings what soever and that really isnt who i am at all so once AGAIN the real meeh is LOST IN THE TRANSLATION!!!!!

why am i the only one who ever needs to open her ears and why am i the only one who ever needs to open my eyes and why am i the only one who ever needs to WAKE UP!!!!!

wake up. its meeh and im crying out. if you can hear meeh... take my hand

Faithfulness to the Unfaithful

2008-08-02T08:37:00.005-04:00

Life has been interesting up until this point. There is something, however, that I seem to struggle with terribly. My faithfulness is comparable to none. To my family, to God, and to whomever I open my heart to. But, it's that last point that has turned me into an enigma... why am I so faithful to a man so unfaithful. It is almost as if it is a task to remain faithful- yet without hesitation he speaks of our forevers and futures and the children we will someday have. I have to wonder how many women are hearing these exact same words from him even now. For me, faithfulness to ones neighbor reflects faithfulness to God. Perhaps I am wrong. Mans relationship with God trickles down, or in theory is supposed to, to each and every aspect of their lives. It is in this effect, that the glory of God is displayed to our brothers and sisters who may or may not have given their lives over to Christ. I do not understand.

Perhaps it is my fault. Is it not one of the saddest things you can hear when a women blames herself for the misdeeds of a man. If I know, can I be such a fool? I cannot believe a word he utters, though every fiber of my being longs to. He knows just what to say because he knows me so well. That was my first mistake. I am guilty of being that hopeless romantic who cries at the perfect sunset and the perfect tone of voice..... It hurts because I know. I know her name... I know their names. I know what he says and how they respond. I know the whens, I know it all. You know, they say that ignorance is bliss. Perhaps if I had remained ignorant to all this, I would be happy. No, I would not. Then I would be unfaithful to myself, and what good would I be then.

I would walk had it not been for a secret that I bare. There is only one way I can be redeemed, and so I stay. But, how much longer can any one person, let alone myself, bear the brunt of disrespect. It is beginning to take a toll on my character, the one thing in this world that I have. I do not want my confidence to wax and wane as a result of my decision to stay. Truth be told, I am tired... tired of trying, tired of smiling, tired of turning the other cheek, tired... simply tired.

For love of word

2008-07-02T23:02:00.003-04:00

I...... I have been stuck on that word for quite some time now.... I

I do not know what to do or to say. I fell in love with the written word. It was my confidant.. my friend.. my lover... my sanity. Bit in a simple lapse of judgment, I proved my honour null. I heard a word and it caught my attention, I never meant for it to go as far as I did. Spending less and less time with you and more with him...

I do not know what to believe. Should I believe what is said or what is not said.

I cannot choose.... no, that is not right. I do not want to... no, I mean I do... it's just that... well, the desire is not there. I refuse, though I know I must, to choose between the lust and the passion, the temporary and the steadfast. I....

I think I am tired of trying... I

I.....

Memoirs of a Redeemed Failure: Excerpt chpt 24

2008-06-19T18:08:00.005-04:00

Baby steps... yep I said it. I am taking them and I am growing... Just yesterday I sat back and realized that I can be a tad bit on the judgmental side.... and no I am not understating... it is only when I am bored. But then I realized that its not just then. It is when I am dissatisfied with myself somehow... perhaps with not accomplishing something I felt I should have... or my hair didnt turn the way I wanted it to.

Growing, perhaps, is not so much distinguishing between right and wrong. But taking that which you have learned and pinning it to yourself.

One does not walk then crawl... everything is part of a journey that lasts our entire lifetimes. Each day a little more.... a little further... then farther... it is how we grow. Baby steps... HA!!! "who woulda thunk it!"

God is in the Midst of Her

2008-06-18T18:13:00.008-04:00

It is one of my favorite verses in my favorite book.... I got the idea to fondly refer to it as love letters to meeh... but the real name is simply the Holy Bible. And so if one was to rummage through the frail (and worn if we are referring to mine own) pages to the Book of Psalms, chapter 45 your eyes would immediately be pulled into that omnipresent "G" and after a few seconds you notice that there are other letters following... and the word is God.... I just thought of it. Why is it that I am so drawn to that G... every chapter starts with a huge letter but those letters always seem to cower in the presence of the G... and vanish after God... hmmm. will have to think on that a little bit more... for now I digress.

God is our refuge. Yes, that is the first half of the first sentence. I have probably spent 24 and a half years of my life running from one thing or the other... of course NO ONE knows this. Sillie folks think I am something like iron woman... YES I am the one who made them think that, but we all have to shield ourselves right?!?!?! When you hesitate to let others in, they hesitate to be there.... oh these two way streets! Who came up with those things. Well it goes on to say God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. I like to keep that in mind. My trouble is /has not always been some outside force. My mind is quite active. I think I have caused myself a good bit of it all. BUT DONT QUOTE MEEH ON THAT.. I will deny it any chance I get!!!!

Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea.

Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.

There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the Most High.

*God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.

The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: He uttered His voice, the earth melted.

The Lord of hosts is with us, the God of Jacob is our refuge.* PS 46:2-7

The waters surrounding meeh are swelling over. My protective barriers are rendered now moot. It is not so easy to fathom what all the really means. These are the times when my knees grow weak and I cannot so easily pray for myself... Saints pray for meeh. But in all of that, the troubled waters my mind duplicitously guide meeh to.... when I feel myself swallowed whole and shaking in the belly of that mighty whale.... when my rivers overflow and I begin to lose myself, forget who I am and believe in the lie passed down from Satan to Eve... I see that GINORMOUS "G".... God is my refuge.

You spend so much time praying for others, thinking of others, worrying for others and you forget that dwarfish word that begins CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME... how can I pray for others if I cannot pray for myself.

And so because I am everywhere but where I ought to be, the whale swallows me and my claustrophobia sets in and all I hear is GOD IS IN THE MIDST OF HER.... its especially meaningful because I am a female and so I have convinced myself that it was supposed to say GOD is in the midst of MEEH/MITCH/YELLY/BIGHEAD/DANIELLE-MICHELE... all versions of yours truly of course!!!

He is in the midst of meeh and my issues with self with others within and without. I dont need to hold piglet so tight I practically suffocate him when I cannot sleep at night... that does not help meeh to fall into that beautiful abyss I miss so... and that might be a good thing because had piglet been a real person Id have caught a case already!! God is good.... .smiles.

I need you Father the way I never thought I needed you before. I have confessed my sins and asked forgiveness. I suppose now is when I forgive myself and allow you to forgive chasten and work on meeh. I feel like you have been chastening meeh for the past.... hmmm... my whole life!!! I have but a simple favor to ask....

Simply utter your voice.... the way you said peace be still and the way you calmed the storm... silence the heathen Father that rages about meeh.

The God of Jacob, before you called him to be Israel, be with meeh.... In the midst of all my sin and immaturity... The God of meeh... The God of Danielle Michele BE WITH MEEH.... utter those words Lord you are my peace. Ill be still for you... I am trying to learn what you are teaching meeh, perhaps I am not still enough. I have already surrendered my heart... take over my mind.... its a mess in there... fair warning.... Utter your voice and be with meeh... my refuge

Memoires of a Redeemed Failure: Excerpt chpt 23

2008-05-20T08:49:00.006-04:00

The road long and the journey tried, but faint, I dared not grow. Many a weary step taken, but aware of each one. I did not always make the right or even responsible decision. I chose, at times, to act on impulse if for no other reason that to see where it would take me. And it took me quite far actually, unfortunately in the wrong direction, but far nonetheless. I had no regrets there. It was all part of the journey to me. I honored others over myself. Tradition was more important to me than my happiness because I spent so much time away. All these years have passed, yet still it seems as though I lay all fault on myself for going. Still a silly child, I could not have sent myself.

I gained and lost all things imaginable, I was far too young when it began. I was the rock though. I had to be tried in order to endure, in order to be strong enough for the load I was to carry. I was foolish. I distanced myself from the world. Sheltered myself to avoid unnecessary pains. The rock supporting me was an aged one. I felt strongly about not needing to put more on my rock, I needed it to last me. I had no idea. I stripped myself of emotion. They were as a plague. I have been told I still suffer the consequences of that decision today, I concur.

I began to age too soon. Tradition warranted I do things my heart did not want to do. But I dare not disappoint! I did what was required and paid and heavy price. My dignity, so much of my strength. So much of me was lost, beaten and battered beyond recognition. There was no time to mourn for myself, I was yet the rock of a tribe. So God sent me angels to see to my recovery. To hide the bruises, and paint on smiles. To try their hand at making me forget so that I could focus. But I discovered that I needed a different kind of attention, and so I broke away. I left tradition in the hallway when I heard my name called. I took back as much dignity as I could as I stood before the mighty robe. Tears raced to free fall off of my cheeks and I turned my back with that paper in my hand. I felt sick as my arch enemies flooded the barracks. I could not identify them, but they were waiting.

Time passed. I longed for companionship. I wanted to feel connected to something, to someone. I wanted to make something work that in all my years I have not witnessed. Then I met him. There was nothing good about this. If I am honest with myself, just this once, I can admit why I stayed so long. Early on we spoke of his past relationships. He told me that he no longer believed in love. I did not know how one could not believe in love. For me, to not believe in love is to not believe in God, as God is love. Love is why we exist. Love is why we have been forgiven and love is why Jesus gave his life for our sins. Maybe I felt as though I wanted to save him, to be his rock too. I told him then, not matter what it took I would make him believe again.Mission completed, it took all the things I recently regained. I endured humiliation, willingly, among other things. I needed time to figure it all out. My mission was completed and our relationship over. Sacrifices.

I needed God more than ever. I was losing it all. My rock had left me without support and without strength. I asked for nothing. I was empty. Just a front with nothing inside. Time passed and I met you. From thin air. You forced me to deal with things I have hidden away for so long. To identify with emotions. To love myself more than anything, you became my rock, my life and my love. Today, I would be nowhere without you. Today I watch you sleep and tell you how grateful I am for you. I think of the first time you told me you wanted to be my best friend and my man and I thought you were crazy. We have been through hell and high water, but when the sun goes down and I pole-vault into bed, you hold me so tight. Some nights I fight the tears, other nights it is a losing battle. But I thank God for you. You are everything I thought I would never have. And I cherish you, your friendship, your partnership, your companionship and your love. I give all of me to you, forever. I love you.

Then to now

2008-04-24T11:15:00.002-04:00

I am praising God in the midst of it all. I remember wanting to believe it was all in meeh. I had never hurt so much. I could not carry myself and on the days when I had no explanation as to how I made it through, I refused to acknowledge Christ.

I had known pain and too much suffering and I did not want to believe God would put me through that. It is funny... I heard somewhere "you know its God when there is nothing else to turn to." I had nothing, nowhere to go and noone to turn to. God waited so patiently for meeh to open that door. He chose meeh and then I chose Him.

It is amazing how things "fit" when you acknowledge, and then put your trust in the truth. It was truly peace beyond my understanding. I still have days when it hurts so bad I don't want to get out of bed, but when the tribulation is over and the fire has waned- there is an unspeakable peace that comes over my life. I understand things I didn't. I may not see His face, but when I hurt so badly, I feel Him over meeh, keeping watch over meeh, keeping His promise to never leave meeh or forsake meeh. I feel him comforting meeh, counting and gathering each tear in a bottle. I hear Him reminding meeh that his ways are not my own. How could I, who can barely pick and outfit in the morning, pretend to know the ways of the Only True and Living God- who is seven days created this world and all that exists therein.

I dont know His plan, but I trust Him more than myself on any day. Now, in the midst of my circumstances, Father, I praise your name. Thy will be done.

My Love Affair (pt1)

2008-04-05T06:55:00.003-04:00

I fell in love with written word. They were a release from all that did not fit into the category "a womans place." My loyalties were with you and to an extent still are. I need you. You have taken me through the hardest times of my life, the most difficult of days and the most restless of nights. You shared my bed, my heart, you knew my thoughts, my life. There was truth in you. But at the same time, there was room to think. Though I was free, I was a captive to you. I never wished for freedom. If I must be prisoner to anything, I thought, let it be you! I knew it was going to last forever, and that nothing could tear us apart. We were intertwined. Simply put- it truly was impossible to live without you.

Then one day I heard a word. I thought to myself that it was nothing. Simple conversation. But as I climbed into bed with you that night something was different. I reached for you, but those words began to ring in my ear. I could not think of you at that moment as I was so engulfed in that brief recollection of words heard earlier. I cannot remember the time we spent together that night. I know those words enveloped me. Perhaps it was then that this love affair began.

Daddy's little girl

2008-04-01T13:24:00.003-04:00

I was young again. I had not seen you in so long. But I promised mommy every night that you would come home.. to her, to us. I was tired. I had been waiting for you for so long. I wanted to tell mommy that you came home the other night but I knew she wouldn't believe me. You left so soon. She was kinda mad that you took the VCR but i didn't tell her. My heart began to race as I heard the door handle moved. Mommy always told me not to hold my breath, but you know me daddy. I held it just for you. Slowly the door opened and mommy came rushing to see who was walking into her house. As soon as you saw her, you grabbed me and hugged me and said happy birthday baby. I forgot it was my birthday. And you remembered! It was the happiest day of my life. Silly child. She laughed at me daddy.

It was almost time to have my birthday cake. I did not want you to leave again. Not before you celebrated my birthday. I didn't think you would come back. But you did. With a pink crown and you put it on my cake with the turkey on it. I hate pink but it was from you so I loved it. We had so much fun. When the night was over you kissed me and said "remember, you will always be daddy's little girl." I believed you. But you left that night. Nothing changed. I was supposed to be only a year older but I wasn't. I was a lifetime older. Daddy's little girl left with you that night. You both died and all that was left was me.

SO stop telling me to remember the time. That girl is dead. I have to face reality. How I wish to God I had you. Maybe I would be different.

This too shall pass

2008-03-25T15:18:00.010-04:00

With my ink and papyrus I used to drift away that the pains of the now could touch me not. But the storm rages and I, I am on a broken path seeking solace that flees me. My tears cannot be enumerated. Nor can they be harvested into some bottle, for they are so great in number so as to flood the nations. I have not allowed myself to be true to the one who knows me best.... my heart. I am not strong. I yet wait, for I am sure this too shall pass.

I used to release the contentions of the world with ink. Ingurgitating line after line and digesting them, or them me, until we became reflections of each other. One day the pain weighed too heavy and my greatest gift became my sworn enemy. No one understands. I cannot speak. I never could. I can write. But who hears when I cry. I want to scream and be heard. I long for the comfort of more than just the lines on the blue tinted paper with Babu sitting in the upper right hand corner. I need to feel and to be felt.

Alas, I departed from you, my friend. I wanted to live on my own and learn the pleasures of a world I have sat on the sideline of my whole life. I left you and tried desperately to not look back. Temptation grew and I fought until I was finally rendered unable. My spirit was broken, is broken. I want to overcome.

I transformed into this prodigal child finally allowing myself to cry tears of ink. My soul bled onto those lines as they did once in another life. It was a much happier life. I understood then. This pain shall pass. The desperation has. I will deny myself no longer. I have broken the shackles I bound myself with. And my heart waits for the day as my soul gently whispers "This too shall pass."

I can once again speak the words of my childhood. They made me into a woman. Le soleil se lèvera. Tu ne dois pas pleurer chouchou. Tu n'étais jamais seul. La nuit doit descendre. C'est une réalité sombre. Mais Dieu a placé tient le premier rôle parmi l'obscurité pour illuminer ton monde même alors. Prends ton stylo et ton encre et faits l'amour aux pages. Elles te maintiendront vivant. Cela et la grace de Dieu. Ceci passera aussi.

Finding my peace in chaos

2008-03-21T10:53:00.005-04:00

Such a nervous soul
Suffers from life and love all she has no comprehension of
Such a nervous soul

I want to say all the things I never say
I want a place where I can be
Rather than wielding around these antediluvian philosophies

Don't talk back
It is not a womans place
Don't stand up for yourself
It is not a womans place

I need to find my peace

Such a raddled young girl
Searching for a peace amidst the chaos
She runs to the cleft of the rock
Only there is her soul assuaged

I will find my peace in the last letter

I do not want to merely exist day to day
going about each task in logy disposition
I want to live
To hear the songs the birds sing
To dance with the wind
To smell the sweet scent of flowers in bloom

No longer will i drown in compunctious emotion
I will sparkle as the stars
I will fast and pray
I will seek out my God in whose image I was created

I will love and not fear
The last letter approaches
I will not be afraid to cry

I am strong
I have faith enough to move mountains
I am gentle enough to soothe the cries of a newborn
I am brave enough to stand and not allow you to walk over me

I am a woman at peace
Alas, the last letter arrives

Show Me Your Face

2008-03-11T09:27:00.003-04:00

Its been three days now....no... that is not right. Maybe a few weeks at this point...

I have prayed. I have cried over situations I had/have no control over. There is not an ounce more of strength in my frail body. I am here... lying prostrate on the floor. I have hid myself from everything. I have taken the pains of the world and propped them up on my shoulder. I have forgotten who I was and in turn who You are. But show me Your face.

Its one thing to share in the burdens of others, but the end goal is to let go and let God. It is not the will of the Lord for us to pretend that we are the saviours of the world. I tried to take the hurt away from the people I love the most, that their minds would be at ease and their souls could rest. But I did not turn it over to God, I simply took it, and in that caused myself the burdens of the world. And I cried up, Lord, YOU said You would not put any more on me than I can bear..... I CANT BEAR THIS. But it took so much time to realize my own sins. He did not put it on me.

I took someone else's test from them and harbored it as my own. And when I fell to my knees, there was no part of me that could understand why God was not bringing me out of it. I am No ONE'S SAVIOUR. I cannot save myself. Thanks be to God for sending His son, Jesus for that very purpose.

Forgive me Lord. I do not want to take the glory from You. I do not want my name to take the place of you. Show me to pray others out without taking what is Yours Father. Show me Your face Lord in the midst of my burdens and others that I may never forget.

I needed to retreat from the world that I would have noone to talk to but You Father, that there would be no arms to hold me but Yours Father. Hold me while I sleep, carry me when I am weak. Sit beside me Father when I pray. Stay close Lord when I walk. You and You alone are my peace, my comfort, my rock. Let me crawl into the cleft of the rock Lord you are great. Let me never forget where I was and who I was before I surrendered myself over to you. And in those times when it seems I am veering off the path of Your will.... simply show me Your face.

Children and growing pains

2008-03-05T14:44:00.007-05:00

hmmmm mm.... hmmmm mm.... hmmmm mm... hmmmm

I had my life planned out, and one of the most important aspects of that plan was my desire for children. I had decided that I was going to have three children by the time I reached age 25. I wrote this back on Mother's Day 06. Allow me to share:

ah yes... another Mother's Day has arrived, another childless year. my heart is as heavy as it could be but Happy Mother's Day to all. suppose its my fault. falling in love is a stinker-.smiles. especially when you are the only one. did not want to have anyones children but his- where is he though? naks... well my dream of before 25 is fading seeing as how 24 is coming in 6 monthsish. o well... the childish dreams of les grandes personnes. laugh it off walk away and pack it up with the rest of the memories. til next year.

We now approach Mother's Day 08. Allow me to share as I reflect.

I am someone else. I loved the plan I had for my life, but it was juvenile. It did not consider anything, really. Life happens. Love happens and unhappens... and what do you do. It has been 2 years since that excerpt and just reading it, I feel foolish and selfish. I want my three children. and I want them before I am 35, maybe earlier. But most of all, I want them when I am ready to have them. I have changed some ideals I suppose. I want them to have a father. No more single mom stuff. Talking to my best sita Nady, I understood some deeper things about myself. Things I worked hard to bury or forget. Things I never wanted to revisit. I think I will leave it at that. I now look ahead to 26 in 6 monthsish. I am childless and happy. I can stand on my own. I don't want my children to struggle. So to all the mothers out there... CONGRATS and to all my friends who want to know when ill squeeze one out... In time, is your answer.

All things in time. I have never before felt so good saying that.

One more day....

2008-03-03T08:45:00.004-05:00

I have made 25 years and counting.... and today is one more day.
One more choice to make and one more path to walk. There is this beautiful song called "My Life Is In Your Hands".... My mother used to say "don't say things that you do not mean, do not sing songs that are not heavy on your heart, believe what you say or no one else will." Those addages seem never to register when you are young, but I have made 25 plus one more day.

When nothing seemed to go my way I was so quick to sing "My Life Is In Your Hands" as if when my voice reached the Lord He would say "Oh my blessed child... let Me bless her some more." Such a fool. He looks past the words. He searches the soul, and my soul was saying "man I am in a bind, please come bail me out." But let things go my way! The title quickly changed to "My life is in MY hands." There was no singing praises there. But I have learned that that is a hypocritical way to live. If you know me, then you know. Don't let the only time when you call me be when you need something or someone to lean on. Very few things offend me more than that. How hypocritical! I don't want you to reach out to me only when you are in need, but I only reach out to the Lord when I am in trouble?!?!?!? But another day came, and I learned. In the best times of my life, I reach out to the Lord. And in the worst times, I know that as soon as I shed a tear He will wrap His arms around me, and comfort me and bring me through it all.

See when you include people into your daily life. When you invite someone in to every part of you. When you call out to someone to share the greatest moments, then when the storm rages, they run to you. They are glad to be there. And their presence makes things so much better. People know when they are wanted and when they are being used, why should God not know the same?

Now, after one more day, I don't say what I don't mean. I don't speak out of anger. And I praise God and credit Him in my good days. I am getting better at it each day. I spend time with Him each day. And it is probably more time than I spend with anyone. But that is good. Because I want to spend all of my tomorrows in His arms.

Trust

2008-02-26T09:15:00.006-05:00

I was hurt once when I was much younger... maybe too young. I wanted to pretend that it had no effect on me, but I was only lying to myself to get through. My "saving grace," however, was that I was naive and I went on trusting despite past experience. Then I was hurt again, over and over again by people who were supposed to love me and care for me and protect me. And I shut down. No more trusting. No more believing. Spare me your weak apologies as they are insulting. I relied on myself and only myself. Anytime I let my guard down I was hurt again.

And the day came when I fell in love. Life was beautiful. I gave my heart and a part of me I guarded so well for so long... my trust. There were so many obvious signs that I tried so hard to ignore because I did not want to be that naive girl of old. It was sooo hard and it hurt sooo bad because he knew my issues with trust and he knew the hurt I endured. He knew and proceeded anyway. And now I live each day not trusting. He became them. I could not love or look him in the eyes. I was done.

As I was sleeping I felt that man I fell in love with once creeping into bed, and all that is in me grows suspicious. What was he doing? Who was he talking to? But I fell back to sleep. How my imagination does tire me. And His voice came to me in a dream. "How could you?" the voice said. It was Christ speaking to me. I was thinking to myself, "now is SO not a good time!" I tried to wake up. It said "you must have forgotten so let me remind you." I felt like I was in some series-B version of the movie Scrooge!

"When you were a child sitting in church your pastor asked if there was anyone who was ready to accept Me. Is there anyone, he said, whose heart is prepared to walk the path of old. You sat there and you cried. You cried because you remembered all the times you were hurt. Your soul screamed to be healed, your heart begged to be mended. Then your pastor said come now, into the arms of your Father. Confess your sins. Open the darkest parts of you to Him. Let Him begin the healing process. And you, little girl, rose from your place to meet and accept Me. You confessed your sins, those you knew of. You made so many promises. You promised to keep My Word always and to seek My face first always. But child you grew. And some of those promises you broke. What makes you think that did not hurt Me? But I believed in you. You see I promised you, on the day you promised me, that I would NEVER leave you, NOR forsake you. All the while I was keeping my end and you were not. You worried about your friends lying to you and the ones you loved lying to you, but you never seemed to worry that it was Me you were lying to. You stopped seeking Me. You stopped letting me bring you out. Those people hurt you and somehow you believed that only you could save you, that somehow I was no longer real. But when it hurt bad enough you came back and you made more promises. I never shoved you to the side and said sorry liar! Spare Me your weak apologies. Instead, my arms were opened wide. I held you and told you I was waiting for you to return! Despite all the times you have lied to Me and hurt Me, You were STILL MY CHILD."

I woke with tears in my eyes. I said "Lord look at me. Just wrapped in the flesh. Sometimes it is hard to look someone in the eye and be there when you know they are lying to you." A chill went up my spine and all I could hear was the voice of the Lord saying "I know! There is NO THING that you can feel that I have not. But you must learn to forgive, because I have forgiven you OVER and OVER AGAIN. You must let me bring you in and out. You must let Me continue the work I have begun in you. Wait for Me to bless you. Wait for Me to bring people in and out of your life. Wait for Me to tell you when someones season in your life is through. If you need to cry then cry, but WAIT FOR ME. I never went back on my promise. I need you to renew yours to Me."

And as I lie there in the bed, I did. I renewed the words I spoke so long ago. I kissed the forehead of that man I loved and he opened his eyes. He asked if I was alright. I said to him... " I forgive you." He just held me.

God I praise you, You gave your only son for me... that I might live, and that I might live HOLY. He is my perfect example by which I choose to live. I have made mistakes. Said things that would not have come out of Your mouth! I have done things You told me not to. But Lord work on and with me daily. I seek Your face daily. Purge me as only You can. Salvation is by You alone! I seek your face, that I might be saved by your grace and mercy (of which I am undeserving). I am not perfect, but I trust in You. And I know You will teach me the rest.

Be Still

2008-02-20T08:21:00.000-05:00

His Holy Word says something so simple. Being still. Psalms 46 speaks of God as our refuge. So often I have found myself in verses 5 and 6. There have been so many storms in my life that "God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved" was easy. It continued to read that " he shall help her and that right early. The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: He uttered his voice, the earth melted." Such pleasant words in times of trouble. How they have gotten me through a good bit of things. But some storms continued to rage and I was confused. Utter your voice Lord, just utter it! I would shout from the mountains. My brain racing to nowhere in some futile attempt so solve my life myself. But I was so busy playing God of my life, that I was cutting God from my life. It hadnt dawned on me that there were more verses in the Bible!! After spending so many nights in tears I got to a point where I couldn't move. I had no choice but to be still. I had completely drained myself of all energy.

On the floor I sat, my Bible at hand and opened to Psalms 46. I wanted to read again verses 5 and 6. I wanted to convince myself that if cried hard enough and yelled loud enough, God would utter his voice. My eyes, however, were taken somewhere else... verse 10. Those sweet words broke me down as I realized how out of line I had actually been. Those sweet words read "Arretez et sachez que je suis Dieu. Je suis domine sur les nations, je suis domine sur la terre." Everything fell in line after that. " Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted among the earth." My eyes opened. Suddenly, I understood what Samuel was trying to explain to Saul in 1 Samuel 15:22. " Voici, l`obéissance vaut mieux que les sacrifices..." I was no better than Saul. I had lived thinking I know I didnt quite do this the way you wanted Lord, but I will fast and pray and all will be well. That was a different reality as verse 22 rings loud. "Behold, obedience is better than sacrifice."

Lord I want to always be in Your will. When I fall Lord, and I know I will fall, pick me up. I have not always obeyed but as I continue on this walk, strengthen me, that your will be done in the manner you have deemed. I will be still more often. I want to hear you always. I know that I cant do that if I am doing all the talking, or always running around. I turn it over to you. Only the Lord can take us through. Lucky for us, He believes in us even when we dont believe in him. I bless your name Father and exalt you above all names.